Suggestions [HW #19]

Comment for John's Blog

A few suggestions I would make are:

- you should watch out for diction errors. there were a few errors in your word choice (e.g. "median"-> medium, "obese"->obsess)- these are the ones that stood out to me.

- If you're going to talk about "what is a good and meaningful life? and how does drds play into it?" I think you should incorporate that into our thesis, and then explain what you think a meaningful life is at the beginning. and as you go through your arguments, you can talk about how the two things connect. but it's up to you.

other than that, i think that you're making your point very clear, and you're drawing out some interesting quotes from the texts provided.



Comment for Bao Lin's Blog (in place of Gavin's)

Hey, nice topic. I think that you make a very legitimate argument. It reminds me of the whole: guns don't kill people; people do.

Aside from the clear arguments, and your evidence to back up those arguments, I'd say that you do a very good job in reconnecting it with your thesis. The tie-backs are there within every paragraph/piece of evidence, and it was fairly easy to follow along as I was reading this segment of your paper.

One thing that I would (but perhaps you wouldn't)consider revising is your last paragraph (Argument 1: Evidence 3). You were talking about how Carr blames Google for making us stupid, and then you said it was because of his reading habits. Although, it was his fault in believing in unreliable sources found through Google, you can't really put blame on someone being stupid, through the attempt of reading.

But as Richard said, there are a few spelling and grammar errors, but aside from those and the 3rd paragraph, I think this is moving towards a great paper. It definitely stands out amongst all the essays that states, DRDs=bad. I also read over your outline, and one thing that caught my eye was: "our intelligence is killed by our own hands." I'd to see how you would develop this. The first thing popped up in my head, as an argument, is that we allow ourselves to get distracted by the DRDs. The DRDs, itself, aren't forcing us to use it. So, it is ultimately our fault.

So anyways, good start. I'm going to look forward to the final product.